Due to inflation, a picture is now worth 2370 words.
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Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
*zips up tent*
[Wife]: What happened
[Me,scratched up & clothes ripped]: I was uh..
*flashback to me being chased by a bee* wrestling a bear
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.
20s: There are three people? I’m not going to the party
40s: There are three people!! I’m not going to the party
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
I never know what to wear to the dentist. I can’t wear my white t-shirt because it’ll make my teeth look bad by comparison, but I can’t wear my black t-shirt because I stole it from my dentist.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Him: *gives me the good allergy pills*
Rest of world: don’t do anything crazy plz
UK: fk u we used to own u watch this
*does backflip
*money falls out of pockets
*cracks head open
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
scientist: don’t touch anything
me: [licked a petri dish already] got it
…20 minutes later
scientist: did you touch something
me: no
scientist: you’re changing colors just tell me what you touched and i’ll save you
me: [about to die] i didn’t touch anything i swear to god
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
He was a t8er boi. My little potato boi
This girl has such star power. She so clearly exemplifies the disgust in this image & pulls the emotional weight for her less-committed peers imo
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!