Due to inflation, alien abduction no longer comes with free probes. Humans are required to bring their own probes, or may purchase a probe on board the spacecraft for a moderate fee.
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A travel of a thousand miles starts with a solo government-charged full-body cavity search at the airport.
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what
[hospital]
“Will dad ever wake from his coma?”
WIFE: Of course dear [loudly] LET’S GO HOME TO ORGANIZE & RE-ARRANGE HIS TOOLS
DAD: I’M UP
*Feels the cool breeze caressing my skin*
Cool breeze: I have a girlfriend
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
If there were a prize for not having even one winning number on multiple Powerball tickets, I would be a millionaire.
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Parent/Child conversation tweets are always so cute & sweet!
Thought I’d try one:
18: Can I borrow the car?
Me: NoWasn’t that adorable?!
Exhausted Parent PSA-
The chance you could mistake a raw chicken sausage for a banana when making a smoothie is small, but not zero.
Somebody call the cops.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
My husband made me mad so I researched “furniture that takes the longest time to assemble at IKEA” and now we are the proud owners of 3 PAX wardrobe units and 5 wall mounted bookcases
Masseuse: happy ending?
Me: oh yeah*20 minutes later
Masseuse: …and then Tom Hanks shows up in the park and yells the dog’s name, and Meg Ryan just knows he’s the one she loved all along…
Me: OMG their love is so pure 😭
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Ruff
Me: *pets dog*
Dog: Dude, I said your hands are ruff; can’t you moisturize?
saw girl I have crush on with her new fiance at Ikea but you know what they say, when God closes a Stǿrås Innjørdën he opens a Főnstǝrviviǵ
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
I put my phone in airplane mode and started constantly banging my knees on stuff.
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
The glockness monster
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.