Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

all i did was tell my dad i’m anaemic 😭😭

Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.

“For a really awkward time, call me.”

-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.

Reset Password

‘CargoAndBoxer’

Your password is two shorts

Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”

I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…

Stewardess – Are you a comedian?

Me – Yes

Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”

[Luxury hotel planning meeting]

Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.

Soft towels?
Definitely.

Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang

First day as a dad
When I change its diaper is that when I oil the baby? Also where is the filter and how many quarts does it take?

[pharmacy]

“I’d like a refill for this bottle of pills”

PHARMACIST: Would you like childproof?

“No thanks, I already believe in children”

this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad

My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?

ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*

I got really excited when she talked about a motorboat date, but as it turns out, she just wanted to take a ride on the lake. *sigh*

My 5 year old is stuck inside a duvet cover right now so I think I’m going to go for a walk and just let Darwin solve this one.

[hot air balloon ride]
DAD: *kicks basket* how many miles you get in this thing?

[first day as a doorman]

me: bye, thanks for coming

sperm bank manager: *pulling me to the side* this was literally the first thing we talked about

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?

If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”

I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.

@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.

Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.

BRUCE WAYNE: [enters meeting room still wearing Batman cape] what’s first today?

NEW GUY: OMG Bruce Wayne is Bat-

INTERN: [covering new guy’s mouth] we pretend we don’t know

There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.

So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.

Do you know how fast you were going sir?

“15,000mph?”

Wha? No,like 65?

“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”

I guess so.

“Ok bye”

bye?