Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
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Sigh, Another delivery driver ignored the instructions and walked straight into one of my boobytraps again
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
I needed a laugh this morning.
My pet name for my manhood, for obvious reasons, is Whitesnake…You know, cuz… “Here I go again on my own”.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
In the grocery store and this little kid asked her Dad “can we get ice cream after?” The Dad said “maybe” I then walked by and said “that means yes” and then I left BECAUSE I LIKE TO STIR SHIT UP WHEN I SHOP
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Hubby just choked after he bit into a grape and it squirted down his throat….
Not as easy as it looks is it?
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
I logged on to Amazon and they said that they have run out of things that I don’t need.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I feel like HGTV is creating some false expectations for the attractiveness of the contractor you hire for home renovations.
My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
I need a chiropractor for my brain.