Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
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The first rule of Nun Club is “no dirty habits.”
Brushing my daughter’s hair
Me: Why is your hair SO tangled?
5: I don’t know. Glue maybe?
Me: Did you put glue in your hair?
5: Yes.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
[Grim Reaper arrives at my door]
ME: oh no, is it my time?!
GR: Oh no, I’m just coming for that last tweet you posted. That thing’s been dying for hours…
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
[home depot]
ME: do you have marble counters?
CLERK: sure, in the back of aisle 9
ME: oh thank god [carrying 2 huge buckets of marbles] I keep losing count around 1,000
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
wishing you and yours all the best
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
Me: I weigh 10x more than the cat and yet she trusts me completely. So sweet.
You:
Me:
You: It’s a lot more than 10x.
Me: Don’t ruin this.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
“What’s that?”
“It’s a therapy cat.”
“It looks like a chihuahua.”
“That’s why the therapy.”
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
I ate 4 lunch ladies before someone explained that’s not what they’re for.
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Stop staring lady, I was meowing at your cat.
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.