Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
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How does Super Mario contact his dead brother?
Using a Luigi board!
Walmart flexes on me by putting two gallons of milk and a cantaloupe in one bag and a single taco seasoning packet in another.
I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.
Wouldn’t be mad at all if I found this instead of staples
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
*first day as an accountant*
me: so where are the ants?
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
The check engine light came on inside my oven.
Dating app for hypochondriacs called Twinge.
I don’t mean to alarm you but today is Friday the 26th, which is twice as bad as Friday the 13th
Every time.
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
4yo: I want to play squirt guns
Me: You mean when you squirt me all day and laugh, and if I squirt you, you cry?
4yo: YES
Me: Okay, let’s go
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
“What are your dogs’ names?”
Me: “Calvin and Klein.”
“Isn’t that a brand of underwear?”
Me: “Exactly, they’re boxers.”
Personal trainer: So what’s your goal?
Me: I wanna look good in pictures that I’m not the one taking
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one