Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
kevin is now a local weatherman
Venmo me $20 and I’ll show up to your work on Valentine’s Day in a suit and tie (with flowers!) begging for you to take me back. For an extra $5 I’ll do it to an unsuspecting co-worker
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
[zombie apocalypse] *my girlfriend becomes zombie* More like zom-BAE! Haha hang on I have to tweet that. *is eaten right away*
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Math at Halloween.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
ACED my prostate exam!
Good morning to everyone except people that eat while leaving you a voicemail.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
“What are we doing here, Marcy?”
“Seeing how I’d look with bangs.”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
I bumped into a VERY handsome man on the tube platform and now we’re on the train together and i can’t wait to steal furtive glances at him until I get to my stop and do absolutely nothing more about it
What do you call a laughing motorcycle?
Yamahahahahahahahahaha
When the moon hits your eye
Like it’s 5:45,
That’s November
Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
*tries to flirt*
*twirls hair in fingers*
*fingers get caught in giant knot*
*learns to live using only one arm*
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.