Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My neighbor put up like $3,000 worth of Christmas lights but I showed him by putting out a nativity scene with like 20 baby Jesuses

Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.

Who thought blowing out candles on a cake was a good tradition? Ah yes; wax would go well with this cake and you know what else? Child spit.

“You’re beautiful on the inside.”

– Me, to a Twinkie

Just realized “do not operate heavy equipment” is not even meant as a concern for your safety. Just their liability if you drive a combine thru a playground

[GOD INVENTING MUSHROOMS]

GOD: most of them are fine

ANGEL: what about the ones that aren’t?

God: you get high or… you DIE

Angel: dude

My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.

It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth

Mom: how’s therapy
Me: ok. my anxiety is better
Mom: great
Me: yeah
Mom:
Me:
Mom: so did u get the article I sent u about the flesh eating b

me: i’ve been hearing voices

psychiatrist:

me:

psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist

The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed

Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.

Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me

I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.

If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions

[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over

My level of hotness..

I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.

When some crows unintentionally come together to form a group, that’s called a manslaughter.

Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*

Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?

Her: awww. Like the day we met?

Him: No, before that.

I’ve hated dentists way before they started killing lions.

My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.

Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns

Raised and lowered my arm today so my Fitbit will stop alerting people that I’m dead.

i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,

I wish choosing a career was as easy as it is in books. Just some big dingus giant kicking down my door like “YER A PASTRY CHEF, HARRY!”

I wish my kid could throw a ball on the field as well as he throws a ball at something breakable in the house.

I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.

if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito

My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.