Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
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If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
cleaned my whole house today and it turns out i’m disgusting.
Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
SAW 14:
HELLO JIMMY
I WANT TO PLAY A GAME
THE DOOR IS 10FT AWAY
THE FLOOR IS COVERED IN LEGOS
YOU’RE PROBABLY WONDERING WHERE YOUR SHOES ARE
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
Went to put some milk in my coffee this morning only to realize my kids drank it all. They leave me no choice.
Baileys it is.
Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
Car Salesman: This baby gets 26mpg and check out this nice interior!
Me: *placing several hot dogs in the cup holder* It’s not bad
😭😭😭
A hexagon is what Mario says when he frees himself from a curse
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
I’m pushing for thankgiving to be at my place because I’m not a good cook, but according to every underdog sports movie I’ve ever seen, the higher the stakes the likelier it’ll all work out
If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own
socratic questions
The bad part of being a human raised by wolves is at the family reunions, when everyone else is talking about the biggest animal they took down and then you tell them about your twitter account.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
😅😅😅
