Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.

I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.

For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.

*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*

Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!

Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.

guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees

me: yes sensei

guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature

me: did he succeed, sensei?

guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard

2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.

2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.

“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”

Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!

~ me, pleading with my hair

I think about this cartoon a lot.

5: You guys picked me and 3 as your kids because we’re so good. You could have picked the bad kids that other parents chose.

Me to H: [whispers] Should we tell her that if we could have picked we would have chosen better kids than her and 3?

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing

This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.

I’ll totally stroke your ego while you’re replacing my windshield wipers for me ’cause I’m nice like that

[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*

i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.

[text]

Her: I picked up buffalo wings.

Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting

I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce

People would probably like hospitals better if they had water slides & the nurses were strippers

It’s so cute when Amazon’s like ‘are you buying this can of tuna as a gift’?

Gift wrap? Why not!

If you Google “How do I stop receiving Pottery Barn catalogs?” the top result is a page with instructions for faking your own death.

Sent an email to my Mom. Now I’m at her place showing her how to open it.

Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?

Me: *revving chainsaw*

Therapist: No.

deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason

Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.

They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.

Best way to get picked up at a gym is fall off a machine.