Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles

*launders Kohls cash*

My text: Have a good day at school!

My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.

Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.

Just a little reminder..
If mushrooms can grow through shit, so can you.

So can you!

all the apology videos are terrible because the people capable of writing a good apology are on strike.

*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*

Now love me.

**POOF**

*my left eyebrow falls off*

I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.

I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.

why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human

[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet

my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager

cat guru: ask yourself – what is the sound of a hairless cat coughing up a hairball

[Sea fishing]
Me: This is fun.
[Deep sea fishing]
Me: Many men go fishing all their lives without knowing that it’s not fish they’re after.

spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining

If pain is fear leaving the body, what gets the stupid out?

Today’s assignment:

Walk up to people with a manila envelope and ask them “Have you seen this person?” and pull out a picture of yourself

Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.

*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*

We only teach “stop, drop and roll” to put out fire but honestly if you do it in pretty much any social situation it will also stop that.

My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.

assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone

Sign at The Vatican says ladies should respectfully have their shoulders and knees covered. Turns out they mean everything inbetween as well

Wish I was a duck. Just chillin in a park all day, maybe go for a swim. Oh what’s that? People wanna feed me? Hell yeah

The Book. The Movie.

my favourite word in the dictionary is ratio because it’s under rated

*walks up to girl working on her laptop in a cafe*
So you into computers?

Putting my Christmas tree up today. Big day for my cats

Back in my day there was so much Toilet Paper and Eggs, that we would throw them at the houses of our enemies!