Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.

Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.

Me: My truck.

Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what universe you’re in until you see which Spider-Man shows up

My husband laughed at one of my jokes and said I’m funny, and now I’m sus, like just how many Amazon packages are getting delivered to him today.

I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.

“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter

Me: You wrote a play?

Him: Well, I used a ghost writer.

Me (whispering): was it Shakespeare?

Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:

1. You have something you want to do.

2. You write code to do it.

3. The code doesn’t work.

4. You fix the mistakes.

5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.

6. You fix the idea.

7. Goto 2.

we paid junk removal services come to take some old mattresses and stuff out of my parents’ basement and my sister overheard the guys whispering to each other “man it looks like The Conjuring down here”

Friend: I got an expensive new face cream.

Me: Your face looks terrible. I’d sue.

Friend: I haven’t used it yet.

I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.

(At the dentist)

‘Your grinding isn’t good.’

Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.

I grilled a bunch of elk meat before my buddy told me,

“You’re making a big moose steak.”

Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.

Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file

US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what

I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role

Don’t let anyone tell you that The Godfather isn’t an extremely effective parenting manual.

don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness

The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’

*lesson learned

If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.

A friend and I just decided that in 10 years if we aren’t married we will tell each other what’s honestly wrong about ourselves.

(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham

the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders

I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰

According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.

it’s so hard to see someone else living your dream

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.

Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.