Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
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I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
If you don’t have personal demons, store bought is fine.
I’d pay this overdue bill but I’m waiting to see what color invoice they will use next.
Hero: A space monster. I’m gonna blast it!
Scientest: No! We must capture it and bring it back to Earth for science.
Science: I don’t need any space monsters. Go ahead and blast it.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
I thrive in a waiting room. u need me to sit in a chair and look at my phone? No worries love i do this at home
Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?
Dear fork,
I just wanted to inform you that you have a son. His name is Spork.
Love always,
Spoon PS: he has your hair.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
Good news, everyone. I was robbed last night. But I confronted the robber and he agreed to set up a joint robbery task force with me.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
if anyone starts quoting the bible to you, a funny thing to yell is “NO SPOILERS I HAVEN’T READ IT YET”
watching pre pandemic television during the pandemic