Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought Hogwarts was in Orlando and that’s why they have those accents.

Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.

Robber: I’ll kill you if your wife doesn’t answer my questions

Me: Oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Wife: Over there

Robber: What’s the code?

Wife: 5743

Robber: What do you want for dinner?

Me: oh no

well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)

My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.

He’s 21 and home for the summer.

It doesn’t get better.

“If we don’t know a word for something, why can’t we just make one up?” he remarked confusatorily.

I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.

well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it

Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.

I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything

Mugger *shows knife*
Crocodile Dundee “No this is a knife”
*pulls out huge knife*
Alanis Morrisette “Hang on”
*sifts through 10,000 spoons*

Me: I’m making home made soup.

H: Nice, what’s in it?

Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.

I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.

Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”

Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.

It was nice of Microsoft to put their name on Excel after satan created it.

I miss the days when you could talk about a brand and they didn’t talk back.

Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.

Friend: How’s your sex life?
Me: Why’d you say it like that?
F: Like what?
M: With airquotes and a guy playing sad trombone behind you

me: my car makes a funny noise

mechanic: that’s the horn

Card reader: this is not looking good

Me: mf’er, reshuffle it

my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact

just arby’s bein’ a bro

remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?

“I’m never gonna do THAT again!”

~ Me, about things I’ll continually do…

Again

“Wow! Go show your mommy!” -what I say to any child talking to me for more than 11 seconds.

Guys, I had to book a flight for my grandma, and according to her passport, she’s born in February, not July, as we have always celebrated. Asked, she said: “Well, you can’t celebrate garden parties in February.”
O_o

Wind In The Willows: Choosing Nicknames:

Ratty: I’ll be The Ratster!
Toad: I’ll be The Toadster!
Mole: I’ll be The Molest… I’ll be Moley.