Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
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ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Oscillating fans are for when you want to be cool every 4-8 seconds.
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
Yes Karen, I’m aware that it’s November 7th. The demons in the yard are not decorations, I’m just taking them out for some fresh air
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
One of my buddies is so healthy, wealthy, and wise… I wonder what his secret is? I want to ask him but he always goes to bed so early
[after getting pulled over]
cop: are you registered
me: i don’t vote
cop: i meant the car
me: no it doesn’t vote either
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Friend: when you first meet, tell her she looks prettier in person
Me: ok
[Later]
Her: Hi!
Me: Hi you look uglier online
me: how do we ask nicely
him:
me: go on
him: PRETTY PLEASE help me deploy my parachute
Nobody:
God: Make half of them allergic to spring
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.