Due to my obvious intelligence and the confusing of me for another boy with the same last name, I was placed in the gifted class.
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The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
My nickname is Gilette because I’m the best a man can get. Also, I will cut you
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
Me: This dating app doesn’t send me any good matches.
Friend: That’s an Etch-A-Sketch.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Name this drama.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
If you like my tweets, please like them and if you don’t like my tweets, please like them by way of letting me know you don’t like them.
If you’re confused by this tweet, please like it, and if this tweet makes no sense, please like it.
Like, if you agree.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Of course I’m a morning person, why do you ask?
Just realized the Master Card logo is a Venn diagram.
Me: I’ve had a breakdown.
Tow truck company: Where’s your car?
Me: Car?
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home
The one thing I miss about school is never doing my homework.
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Apparently “The WiFi signal is the strongest there” isn’t the right answer when the boss asks “Why are you spending so much time in toilet?”
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”