due to my wife’s recent surgery it hurts her to laugh. thankfully after 18 years together she no longer finds me funny so she’s perfectly safe.
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Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
me: going to see phil this afternoon
wife: isn’t phil in that cult?
me: yeah so
wife: just be careful
me: have a little faith me in ok
*comes home dressed in all purple*
Parenting just means you have to pretend you like to eat fruits and vegetables in front of your kids knowing you’d rather eat a cheeseburger instead.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
[My 8yo looking for something]
OMG WHERE IS IT IT’S GONE FOREVER WHAT DID YOU DO WITH IT I’LL NEVER FIND IT WHERE COULD IT BE MY LIFE IS RUINED WHYYYYYYY—oh, here it is.
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
My friend can be so pedantic. I know that saying “Frankenstein” isn’t technically correct, but I can’t remember your baby’s real name.
[comedy club]
Worm: And what’s the deal with dandelion stems? Right? Right?!
Other worms: *silence*
Early bird: *cracking up*
All I said is, I prefer a fresher corpse. Don’t make this weird.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
He said, “I like talking to you because we’re intellectual equals,” and Reader, it took everything I had to quietly nod.
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Anyone: Loose lips sink ships
Me *writing down note*: Tighten ship’s lips.
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
“I’d hit that”
-old people who drive
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
What people don’t know about me is, when I say “No worries!” There’s a hidden comma in the middle 😓
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
Oh dear… I should get out of the way, he’s probably trying to catch a bad guy.
-me getting pulled over