due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
You Might Also Like
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months
I love strapping my kids into their car seats.
It’s the closest I can legally come to putting them in straitjackets.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
So afraid of commitment I only play “Words With Acquaintances”.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*
Nothing makes me more proud of my son’s sense of humor, than when he asks me for help with his algebra homework.
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
Judge: Show us on this doll where the man hurt you.
Me: He didn’t. But watch this.
[I make the doll do a backflip]
Judge: Holy shit lol
Not to brag, but I don’t need an excuse like being a wealthy CEO or corporate greed to have people wanting to murder me
Mom: If all your friends jumped off a cliff would you do it too?
Me:If all parents used that same metaphor would you use it too?
#slapped
I lose bobby pins in my hair. Please don’t ask me to babysit your kids.
Historians say teenagers in medieval times would send an average of 180 tiny scrolls by raven per day
Expiration date? More like spoiler alert.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming