due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
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me: instead of a baby I think I’ll get a dog
midwife: no, you won’t
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
Imma just leave this here…………
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
If Sesame Street really cared about children they’d realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
AN OPEN LETTER TO COFFEE
Thanks.
Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillowHim:
Pillow
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
Let’s be honest, you don’t ”watch” tv, you use it as a backround echo creating machine like the rest of us
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
You know it was a good party when the neighbor sends you a text to say they managed to get your bra off their roof
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
A lot of people still don’t seem to get what social distancing means:
1) keeping two metres away from each other when out and about
2) disabling push notifications on the House Party app
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
I hate to say I’m better than u but… I can name all the Ninja Turtles & tell u their weapon & bandana color
I bought a new BMI smart scale so that I could have a technologically advanced and detailed reason to cry every morning.
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*