Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *wearing white shirt*

Every food in the universe: GET HIM!

The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.

*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*

Me: Let’s do this!

Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.

Me: Bring it, loser!

There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.

Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”

You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.

I hate the word Fiancée. Why do i have to speak french just because youre getting married

Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.

If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.

You: I’m so hard on myself.

People on the internet: Hold my beer.

I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.

Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me

Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality

Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.

Why is my body betraying me, I give it as much strawberry quik and cookies as it wants

People that don’t tweet for months and then show up like nothing happened…

Was it jail? I bet it was jail.

Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?

Amazon Customer Service: …what

Too bad mosquitos are not into human fat the way they are into human blood

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

Wife: [looking at bank statement] what’s this huge charge from Clones R Us?

Me: [sends group text to 7 other me’s] she’s on to us

ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]

The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.

My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.

I’ll be giving free lobotomies behind Denny’s until 9pm to everyone who wants one and doesn’t want one

my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕

I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”

The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.

Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”