due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
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told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
One man. One tuba. A whole public library full of unsuspecting people. And no law enforcement anywhere in sight.
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
More people would get the booster if it came with fries.
Today will be the day I finally tell my friend that “touche” isn’t pronounced like “douche.”
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
A couple friends who met at my bbq 10 years ago just got engaged.
I remember her asking me if he was some kind of criminal.
I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
me: listen I’m pretty busy now can we do this tomorrow?
murderer: yeah sure sorry
[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]
[me to the fridge] you had one job
Bro just recorded the rarest moment in history
Calories in one pistachio: 4
Calories burned opening one pistachio: 2,753
Take that, kale.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.
Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?
Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.
My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
You telling me these scissors are for rock paper?
“You killed a dude
I hate your attitude
That’s why you’re going to jail,
Without bail
25 to life
Bubba is your new wife.”-Poetic Justice
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?