due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
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me: i was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: ur not even a suspect
me: i just wanted u to know
What personal space?
My dog
Kid: Daddy will you sing that song about the cars
Me: Sure buddy: “One of them dames was sexy as hell, I said “oh I like your size.” She said “my car’s broke down and you seem real nice, Would ya let me ride?”
Wife: I think he means wheels on the bus…
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
Me: I wonder why my lower back hurts
My period: yeah what a mystery
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
[at swimming pool]
Me: I remember being 25 years old and doing front flips off the diving board with no problem
EMT: *straps me to gurney* Well sir, you’re not 25 anymore
Banderslack Clamberdorch
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
New bird feeders are only attracting low quality dirt birds. How do I get eagles and swans and shit? Two out of five stars.
If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
I don’t know why I paid for penicillin when I could have just ate the stuff in one of the kids cups I just found under the bed for free.
Entertained some out of town guests last night. At dinner they told us they refused to take the subway because it was too dangerous. My 9 year old said “What? You mean like if you ride on top?”
Him: What long nails you have!
Me: All the better to capture your DNA with if you murder me.
*dating is easy
Package delivery vans should play music when they’re driving through a neighborhood like ice cream trucks do
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son
Me: I dunno probably street fighter
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
I’m calling Facebook “Mom” now because all it does is tell me who from my high school is engaged and remind me about my cousins’ birthdays.
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.