due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
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If you are talking on the phone at the grocery store and it is interesting, then I get to follow you and we will shop together.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Cats always have an expression like they ordered 2 of everything on Amazon with your credit card while you were at work.
pal: what’s your favorite band
me: idk probably rubber
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
bigfoot [eating a clown]: hey these might actually be my size
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
pelicons
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
“My brother’s coming over for dinner.”
Ugh, is he still talking only in country names?*brother walks in* “Chad Hungary. Jamaica Turkey?”
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
“I’m sorry, it’s too late in the series run to introduce a major character.” – me, meeting anyone new.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.