Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
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i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
[first date]
ME: I’m having a great time
HER: I’m not
ME: *peeking out from my pillow fort* I don’t even let my dog in here, Janet
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
Asked an old couple at work what is the secret to a long marriage
He said “Good reflexes”
She said “Poor aim”
Those who do not remember the past are doomed to lose on Jeopardy.
her: who’s ur favorite vampire
me: that one on Sesame Street
her: he doesn’t count
me: i assure u he does, Jen
When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.
I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
before cameras, people would have to say “cheese” for two hours while they got their portrait painted
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
I’ll sleep when I’m dead but also every night so I don’t die.
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
“Are you ok?” No my cheese drawer is empty
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
[quietly opens a beer]
Funeral Director: seriously?!
Me: oh sorry [reaches into cooler and hands him one]
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Children; because how else could you collect teeth without seeming psychotic.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?