Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
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colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Always a bridesmaid, never the Brideslord, summoning the nation’s brides to war with a mighty blast of the brideshorn.
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
6: *practicing her gymnastics beam routine*
Me, with my hand stuck in a Pringles can: don’t forget to point your toes!
Me: NOTHING GETS DONE IN THIS HOUSE UNLESS I DO IT MYSELF!
Also me: *lives alone*
i love making the whole conversation so awkward that the most anyone can say after is “so yeah…”
[interview for an accounting job]
Your resumé says your greatest strength is using idioms. How can that help in this job?“You do the math”
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
you should be able to donate somebody else’s body to science
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
*reads recipe and sees “raisins”
Well, that’s not going to happen.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
hacker: i know your social security number
me: that makes one of us
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
sales in 2004: buy 1 get 1 free
sales in 2024:
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
I bet if Bruce Banner had children he’d be the Hulk more than 90% of the time.
“Where is the pooping bathroom?” I casually ask the hostess at the holiday party I’ll never be invited to again.
Didn’t realize my kid was a midwestern farmer in a past life until we drove by a cornfield and he muttered “sure is gettin’ tall”
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!