Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
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Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
How it started: How it’s going:
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
I cannot definitively say, even after all I’ve seen, that I would not visit Jurassic Park
I hope google does well on my son’s test
ME: I’m off to turn some tricks
WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’
date: your glasses make you look smart
me: well i had to fail a test to get them so
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Parents: Your room is a mess.
Me: You really need to see my life.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
If you don’t pay your exorcist
You get repossessed
[First day as a Scientist]
Boss: We need some petrified wood
Me: *Tells ghost stories to a tree*
I used to brag that my dad worked in the food court.
I thought he was a food lawyer. Shoulda wondered why a lawyer would wear a sbarro shirt
I bought my son a book about bats and halfway through it he shouted out, “WHAT??? BATS ARE REAL?!?!” All this time he thought they were made up for Halloween like ghosts and witches
Smoothies- the art of selling half a banana and a peach for £3.50.
#RubbishJokes #JokeDay
#FridayVibe
Me too door. Me too.
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
I’m not taking the Democrat convention seriously until someone starts talking to a table.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I would like to take a moment to publicly apologize to my wife for answering her phone and bringing it to her while she was on the toilet. I didn’t know your boss was facetiming you