5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
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Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.
A woman just dropped a £10 note next to me. I thought, ‘What would Jesus do?’, so I turned it into wine. I bought wine.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Strangers pay me a lot of money to give them advice but let me try and tell my teenager one single thing and it’s an automatic, “You don’t know anything.”
[Tornado warning]
Me: It says to seek shelter.
Husband: We’re in the house.
M: They mean the basement.
H: I’m more afraid of the basement than I am a tornado.
Jealousy is one of the seven deadly sins because the next thing you know you need a shovel and an alibi.
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
Quick tip for people who use mobile telephones:
If you’re tired of throwing away phones every time your battery dies, check out “phone chargers”. It’s a device that restores your phone’s battery. I recently invested in one and now I no longer need to buy a new phone every day
“Oh I would do anything for cash,
But I won’t do that”– my kids, Meat Loafing me when I ask them to do their chores
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up when it’s ready.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Me: Grandma you are 92 and have heart disease you cannot let ppl in your house
Gma: Ok I can cancel the piano lessons
Me: What about the housekeeper
Gma: Already talked to her
Me: and the lady that comes to do your hair
Gma: Oh now you’re talking crazy
I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
I’m going to be an “adult” film star. You’ll pay $12 to watch me struggle to pay bills, cry uncontrollably, and lie awake in bed at night.
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.
[first day as a director]
me, right after a scene ends perfectly: aaaaaand cup
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
Yes, I DO think “did you bring my pizza?” is an acceptable answer when you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks on the door.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
Nowadays you can post your opinions instantly. Used to be, if you got riled up by a troubadour’s ballad you had to weave a whole tapestry about it
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.