Due to rising costs, Old McDonald had to sell his farm.
E-I-E-I-Owes a lot of money.
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Donuts have holes in them just like acoustic guitars but that’s pretty much where the similarities end
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
My car, spinning uncontrollably thru a crowd of ppl, & my Korean friend screams”HIT THE BLAKES” & I’m like”I CANT BE THAT SELECTIVE”
*paints car camouflage*
*stops making payments*
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
Putin: I have returned Russia to its glory days, once again we have launched a dog into space
Reporter: when will it return
Putin: WHat
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
me: I’d like to buy a hotdog with ketchup please
vendor: sorry cash only
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Tell me twitter, just how the f am I similar to a Buick dealership?
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
hello, boyfriend? it’s me, girlfriend, from dating?
Kid: Dad, where do babies come from?
Me: Um…
Kid:
Me: You mix baby oil with baby powder. Stir in baby peas. Then you-
Kid: I’m asking mom.
Me: ᵒʰ ᵗʰᵃⁿᵏ ᵍᵒᵈ
Comparing yourself to others
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Our ten-year wedding anniversary falls on Thanksgiving this year so [stuffs turkey with roses]
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
When a person says a book is so good they can’t put it down, but yet, are not holding that book.
This is why I have trust issues.
The fastest land animal is me when I’m upstairs and hear my dog about to throw up in the living room
why I oughta
waiter: any allergies i should know about?
me: uh, peanuts?
waiter: [disappointed] aw i already know that one.