Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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A good woman is like home WiFi: Full of knowledge. Always there for you. Used by your roommate WHEN YOU’RE NOT THERE THAT’S RIGHT AMY I KNOW
So apparently if they ask “do you trust me?”…. replying with “well I trust you to be you” is the incorrect response
*walks into bar with camera*
Me: Can I take a shot of this glass?
Bartender: Take a pitcher, it’ll last longer
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
The first thing I’m going to do when I’m rich is buy an airline flight for everyone who works at the DMV and then delay the flight forever.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
Someone at work just farted and I panicked and said ‘compliments to the chef’. Wtf
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
ELEPHANT COP: I recognize you
LION: I just have one of those familiar faces
ELEPHANT COP: You don’t know who the hell you’re dealing with
Cats. Honed by centuries of evolution into efficient, remorseless hunters. Also:
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
do married people watch gen z dating and feel like they caught the last chopper out of Nam
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
idk about engagement farming like why not just buy a ring at the store like normal ppl.
the last time how i met your mother was on netflix i binge watched it instead of going to class and almost got kicked out of college. its dangerous! beware!
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
I’m starring in a new movie, in theaters now!
How do animals in children’s books always have nicer houses than mine when they don’t have jobs & all they do all day is learn life lessons?
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
