Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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I just innocently told my wife that for the past 8 years I’ve thought it was okay to put bobbles and hair pins in the bin if they’re just left lying around.
Holy shit. What a moment.
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.
“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
“IT’S 3AM! TIME FOR SPRINTS!” – Cats
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
Titanic (1997): a boat gets murdered by an ice cube.
My biggest fear is going to prison for something I didn’t do. My second biggest fear? Going to prison for something I DID do
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Spa services are relaxing, paying for them is not.
“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
this is a marine life reminder SHARK tails go side to side WHALE tails go up and down and WHALE SHARK tails go all diagonal like.