Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
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Panda express…🐶🐾🐼💨😅
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Me, for fun: What do you think you want to be when you grow up? Teacher, engineer, doctor, lawyer…
8, angrily: I have told you many times I WANT TO DELIVER PIZZA.
Me: Well, that’s considerably less stress. And tuition.
[5:30 AM alarm goes off]
Me: Wanna have a quickie?
Wife: I have to get up in 5 minutes.
Me: Oh, so regular sex then?
The spider I saw in the bathroom ran under the trash and disappeared. I know I was going to kill it but I still think that’s rude.
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few cartons of eggs into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford eggs.
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
*6 hours of Russian roulette*
Me: “I think I forgot to load a bullet in this gun.”
Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
Lionel Richie: I’m easy like Sunday morning
Sunday morning: wow I’m right here
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable
“Waitress!”
Waitress: “Sir?”
“Could you check the rest-room? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
I have never related to anyone more.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
I am buying these mints because they are more violent than other mints
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Others: I run so I can eat pizza
Me: I just…eat pizza
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.