Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
You Might Also Like
There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
We can put a robot on Mars but we can’t make a hand rail that goes the same speed as an escalator.
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
*orders expensive cat bed*
*waits 5 weeks for overseas shipping*
*watches the cat ignore it for 6 months*
*finally throws it, defeated, on top of the wardrobe*
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
[Going to Starbucks for the first time]
*Ok be calm and ask for a Tall Latte as practised*
[a little later]
‘Hi can I have Lall Tatte?’
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
If you ever get chased by a pack of taxidermists…
Never, ever, play dead.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂
rt if you’d call your friend just to tell them that potatoes came to japan in 1600
Accidentally put the Ouija board in the monopoly box so now whenever you land on free parking it summons a ninth level demon
i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.
“The engine light is on” Yeah that means it’s working
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
nobody:
ppl with clear cases:
This is sending me to another galaxy
CUTE JOKE ALERT!
the nutty professor works in macadamia academia.
CUTE JOKE OVER!
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Him: I hate how things ended. Don’t be mad at me.
Me: I’m not mad. About that or anything.
Him: Good! I didn’t want you thinking I was an asshole.
Me: No, I haven’t been thinking about you at all really.
Him: Ok, well, somehow that’s worse but thanks.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.