Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
a fun wedding bit is to sit next to a random guest, point to the bride or groom & whisper, “it should’ve been you”
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
[2 years after going missing at zoo]
wife: [points at TV] “omg thats him”
me: [on the news inside kangaroos pouch] “why is noone helping me”
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
[First Date]
Her: Your Tinder profile says you’re a great listener
Me: Really. Ugh. That’s a typo. It should say I’m a “great listener.”
me: i’ll have a steak
waiter: sir this is a vegan restaurant
me: oh
waiter:
me: ok i’ll have a vegan
Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
[accidentally hits Siri in high school classroom]
Siri: what can I do for you, #1 God of Sex?
[every boy in the class checks their phone]
Happy St. Paddy’s Day, everyone. I stayed in tonight. I’m not allowed to go out on St. Paddy’s Day anymore. It’s too much.
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
Government: “you need to post salary ranges on all of your job openings”
Companies: “okay, the typical salary range for this role is usually between $17,000 and $2,500,000 per year”
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
Welcome to Alzheimer’s Club
I see a lot of new faces today
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE