Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
Sex is like pizza, there’s NO reason it should ever involve vegetables
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
If I die my ghost better come back and do some laundry so I have some clean sheets to wear
Me: Alexa, play “You should see me in a crown”
Alexa: I’d like to see you in some pants
[Talking to a giant banana] “Is that a human being in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?”
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
When I die, I’m donating my body to the theater department. The science department has enough bodies. I want to be a theater prop.
My son was provoking me by repeatedly shoving a dirty leaf into his mouth so I offered him “special eating leaves” and now he’s a 4yo enjoying a bowl of salad for dinner
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
As a new homeowner, I was excited to learn how to do carpentry, plumbing and electrical work. And now that I’ve destroyed it, does anyone want to buy a house?
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I’ll grant you this, missing our scheduled call because you “had to chase and catch your pet pig” is the best reason I’ve ever heard.
no caffeine: day 6
-sleeping better
-stable moods
-less anxious
-can’t think straight
-i’m exhausted
-3 people are dead