Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
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Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
mariah carrie
True story
Cute Male Nurse: I need to untie your gown.
Me: Not on the first date.
#SaidWhileUnderAnesthesia
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”
When I said I was a “first responder” I meant that I am quick to send the thumbs up emoji in the family text thread.
i’d never pick the lesser of 2 evils because that means they’re not even good at being evil either
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Why do cows wear bells?
Because their horns don’t work
if you want a wife that will cook and clean for you then that’s not me. BUT if you want a wife who will support and love you unconditionally then again, that’s not me. i don’t like you
[getting arrested for public nudity]
Cop: PUT YOUR HANDS OVER YOUR HEAD
Me: …
Cop: YOUR OTHER HEAD
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
“I can’t possibly lose this if I put it here” I say to myself before completely forgetting where here is
trust me bro, no woman has ever looked at your tinder profile and gone “i wish he was holding me like he’s holding that fish”
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
I used to be in a band called The Hinges. We usually opened for The Doors.
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
As soon as the tide comes in it’s over for you beaches.
Remember before social media when we foolishly wished we could read people’s thoughts?
ME AS A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR:
I signed you both up for Tinder*1 week later
ME: You still want a divorce?
THEM: OMG NO THAT WAS HORRIFYING
