Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

My dog and I have the same schedule:

6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap

If you like piña coladas / Getting caught in the rain / Drink this piña colada / It was caught in the rain

This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.

Me to waiter: “I’m eating for 2.”
Waiter: “Oh, you’re pregnant?”
Me: “No, my sister was supposed to meet me here, but she can’t make it.”

I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward

11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.

Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.

RT to cosign.

ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol

MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!

Queen: Mirror, mirror on the wall…

Mirror: Not exactly ON the wall

King: I said I’d do it at the weekend. Get off my back, Sandra

I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.

I got a job as a bullet

They fired me immediately

My loaf of bread looks terrified

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

*watching John Wick*

Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me

When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.

I know I shouldn’t make hot beverages from fish parts, but it’s just my gill tea pleasure.

…No, YOU shut up.

I’m a good listener. If you’re interesting. Or you’re a movie about penguins.

Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.

Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.

Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?

*offers dog a treat*
Dog: I have a boyfriend

me, naked wearing a hospital gown: should the opening be in the front?

dentist: ma’am that’s not necessary for a cavity filling

Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice

If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not

– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg

Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?

Me: Sure.

Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.

Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely

Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?

My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.

Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three