Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[zombie movie set]

Director into megaphone: “We’re about to start rolling. Look alive people!”

*actors look around confused as heck*

Who wants to hear about my Wordle streak? Anyone? Hey, where ya guys going?

Long story short; they ended up having sex, but will eventually despise each other.

We squint at the sun because it’s bright.

We squint at people because they are not.

Don’t worry if you had a bad day, remember there are people who have their ex’s name tattooed.

My daughter’s Starbucks addiction has become so severe that she’s routinely calling me by the wrong name now

Him: “It’s the end of the world; let’s open that expensive Bordeaux blend.”

Her: “No! We’re saving that one for a special occasion.”

Spider-cat: No One Home

Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie

I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…

dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours

If we aint learned anything else this month. If there’s someone special in your life, tell them you love them, because you never know when the feds are going to indict them and execute a search warrant on their home.

My dad thought Siri would be more helpful finding a lemon ricotta recipe if he used an Italian accent.

Few people realize that before they were domesticated, the wild vacuum cleaner was the only natural predator of wolves…

Hence, dogs instinctive reaction to them today.

I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.

I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.

I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.

4-year-old: *finds Nerf gun* Dad, I’ll shoot you!

*tries*

4: I can’t get it. Can you shoot yourself?

She’s not the first to ask me that.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

When Germans combine words, we get things like “flutter mouse” and “river horse.” When the English do it, we get “jorts.”

In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.

I just went for a morning run on the beach so it’s nice to know that exercise can ruin any setting.

*Mary Poppins voice*
Ok, children! Time to go!
[15 min later]
*Batman voice*
I said let’s go.

Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.

In a marriage it’s always a competition to see who can look busier, hence why I sighed and shook my head repeatedly while writing this.

I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.