Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.

[opens fortune cookie]

“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”

My kid has been walking around with an uneaten chocolate bar in her backpack for five weeks, if she doesn’t eat it soon I’m going to have to ground her for making poor life choices

Who wants to listen to me eat an apple over the phone? No weirdos

If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”

Me to my dog: Stop barking now.

My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!

Me: It’s ok.

Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!

*Buys map of world, pins up on wall*
*Swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Aims dart*

Map: I have a boyfriend

I have OCD as well as ADD.

Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.

Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputy

Things we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and Roll

Things we will do
-Survive
-Rock You

Things we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you

Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.

Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.

Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.

My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose

wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*

Passed a sign that says, “All you can eat, $30/person” but I don’t think I can eat $30 worth of people.

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

It’s Open Mike Night at the autopsy lab.

that de-escalated quickly

Sorry I flinched when you told me you loved me. I’ve been practicing my poker face. Can we try again?

friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist

me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman

[blind date]

Him: “I’m a big Beethoven fan.”

ME *trying to impress him*

“Saint Bernards are my favorite dog breed.”

Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]

For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.

That’s “Mr. Human Scum” to you, buddy.

My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.

Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing

ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this