When I give my crush my number
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
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Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.
*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.
Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat