@DBeasleyHarling
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
@salmarch79
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
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@DBeasleyHarling
@MissHavisham
“I can’t wait to feel you between my thighs tonight,” I say to my new memory foam pillow, which has been helping realign my spine while granting remarkable relief from lower back pain.
@chelllssseeea
apartment hunting is going well
@3sunzzz
My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
@Browtweaten
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
@Jjkinky49Jeff
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
@jacob_swift16
Don’t be afraid to put yourself out there. The worst that can happen is embarrassment, social shame and everyone thinking you’re an idiot
@verysadgamer
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
@TheBoydP
Why do parents train babies to peek with the game peekaboo but then spend the remaining childhood telling them not to peek?