@salmarch79

Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.

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@lisaxy424

Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed

Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME

@shawnspree

To catch a woman, one must think like a woman.

*places glass of wine, and Channing Tatum dvd on mouse trap

@squirrel74wkgn

Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON

Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…

@ImaFlyontheWall

*follows around a family of ducks in the park while playing Sandstorm on a boombox*

@bingowings14

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

@UnfilteredMama

My kids never finish their dinner because they’re saving room for bath water.

@TheDizzyBeauty

Thank God for semi colon’s. How would I have ever been able to flirt if they didn’t exist?

@TuSoonShakur

Coach: Ice cream! My treat

Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?

Coach: My treat