Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️
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This Job Fair sucks, it doesn’t even have rides.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
Spiraling into madness while watching the slow texter’s dots bounce
My husband ordered takeout tonight from a place that previously ignored his note about pickles so he tried to make it stand out.
barbie’s story is actually so sad like her parents left her with her 3 sisters and she had to take up 200 jobs to take care of them then on top of that her boyfriend is gay and won’t get a job
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
Grew big
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
looking at weird sushi roll names and uh
Driving past a cop car with its lights on: Boys, the police are here. They heard about you!
My son whispers to his brother, “I was never here.”
[at Goodwill store]
*buys pants that I gave them 6 months ago*
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who sees you eating the chicken nuggets he said he didn’t want
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
My mom said if she’d known grandchildren were so fun she would’ve skipped a generation so I loaded the kids with candy and left them at her house.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Happy 14th Anniversary to skipping school to go see MacGruber & the lady asking us to see ID and then saying “nevermind, anyone who’s under 17 would be in high school right now and who would skip school to go see MacGruber??” We laughed along with her and walked right in.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
A homeless guy asked me “would you give me $5 for a sandwich?”
I said “I don’t know man, show me the sandwich first.”
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
My 13yo is upset that the tooth fairy didn’t leave him any money last night and I’m upset that I have a kid who still believes in the tooth fairy
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
You got your ducks in a row. I got my monkeys in a wheelbarrow. We are not the same.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
THERAPIST: are you still using euphemisms to get friends to go jogging
ME: no one ever wants to have the runs with me
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.
Are these grass-fed oranges?