Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
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My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Psychiatrist: what are your future goals?
Me: I can’t tell you because you’ll try to stop me
Sorry I’m late, I was combing granola bar out of my daughter’s hair for 25 minutes
When I was young, air at the gas station was free. Now they charge $1.50. That’s inflation for you.
This lady didn’t know how to use the gas pump, so I winked at her and whispered “nobody does” while pouring gas into my jacket pocket.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
BEYONCE: do u like my album
JAY: [thinking to self] if anyone hears this i’ll be ruined
JAY: [out loud] we should make it a tidal exclusive
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
It seems I need to also make a list of all the cities I’m not going to, because every time I post my tour schedule, people ask about the cities NOT on the list.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
If my family starts talking politics at Thanksgiving I’m changing the subject by announcing I’m pregnant.
Me to my dog: Stop barking now.
My dog: BUT EVERYTHING IS A FOX!
Me: It’s ok.
Dog: I WILL PROTECT YOU, IDIOT!
*Knocks on Misery’s door*
Me: Hey! I heard you love company.
Misery *through mail slot*: not you
I haven’t worn a bra since the pandemic started
Literally everyone who’s crossed my path in the last 20 months “we KNOW.”
If I ever ask you to hold a baby, you better ask whose baby I have because I’m clearly high and stole a baby.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
These aren’t even hard anymore.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
Anyway, I heard some “Norwegian black metal” today. Let’s just say there’s a reason no one ever built cities on it…
Them: The tequila made me do it.
Me: The tequila helped me do it.We are not the same.