Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Spelling bee]
Dad Judge: your word is “arson”
Contestant: can you use it in a sentence?
Dad Judge: You’re not arson, you’re adopted.

I opened a pistachio once…

Worst 37 minutes of my life.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

My lame jokes will never be as shitty as the people who respond to them with “ba dum tss”.

[sees my dentist in the store]

*really loud fake phone call voice*

me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk

No rule against wearing an old Halloween costume to Thanksgiving. Let your racist uncle talk presidential politics with Donkey from Shrek.

Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?

Why did they call it a drawn-on six pack and not an abs tract painting.

Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane

I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.

[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]

“Take me to your leader”

[30 minutes later]

Me: So, this is my wife…

Life is a highway: Too many cars, not enough bathrooms

Ironing boards are just surf boards that stopped pursuing their dreams and got a real job instead.

[guy about to invent monopoly]

*looking at friends* i have too many of these

You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.

Brad Pitt wears a skirt and he breaks the internet. I wear one and the HOA is all, “Cease and desist!” and “You’re hurting our eyeballs!” and “You are uninvited to the pancake breakfast!”

Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72

It’s hilarious to me that every microwave has a “popcorn” button and every package of microwave popcorn says DO NOT USE POPCORN BUTTON

Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car

Hey girl, are you pineapple on pizza because a lot of people say you are disgusting but I kind of like you?

I was in line at the bank when a man got pulled from the queue and escorted out by security, just for having sleeve tattoos depicting flames.

Apparently they don’t allow fire arms in the building.

I’m forced to conclude that not liking my tweets is a you problem.

Worth remembering.

Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.

Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.

I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.

I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again

[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one

exec: any ideas for new kids shows

writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster

exec: nice. what else?

writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite

exec: love it. any more?

writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun

Darth Vader: I am your father

Odin: I am the all-father

God: I am the father, the son and the holy spirit

Maury: the DNA results are in, find out after the break