Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
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Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Guys, if you leave my tweet at the top of your timeline two days in a row, I’m sending out engagement announcements.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Date: I like guys who are sensitive
Me *through mouthful of ice cream* this hurts my teeth
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
Marriage is pretty great except for the part where you have to learn how to read minds.
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
“Nevertheless”
~ Me, when choosing a piece of cake or pie
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
Her: Was your child gifted?
Me: No, we had him naturally
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
🎶 Hummus a tune you’re the falafel man 🎶
FOR SALE: one Ferris wheel. Fair condition.
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
Interviewer: How would you describe yourself?
Me: With adjectives.
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I warned you I would betray you over potatoes, this is on you.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
My (almost) 15 year old cat just ran up and down the hallway 6 times and then jumped the gate to start shit with my dog. I’ve been sitting in the same chair since I woke up.