Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”

My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..

Sure I may be a little nuts, I tell my family, but how boring would our house be if I wasn’t?

Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”

I’m at my most walk of shame when I’m wearing sweatpants heading back to the buffet for the third time.

support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas

Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.

God: Another epidemic will be unleashed on them for I am not pleased.
Angel 1: A drought?
Angel 2: A famine?
God: Release the Murder Hornets, right now!
A1: During the plague?
A2: Savage AF.

Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.

What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?

“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?

Whatever it is, I’m that

When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.

❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away

me: what are you doing

lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat

prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]

lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.

I have $12 in winning lottery tickets in my purse, I might just up and quit my job, today

[interview to be an undercover agent]

Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant

Janine: yes sir; next!

[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]

Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants

I just found out my dad carries around my 4YO’s toy car with him. When he feels stressed or sad, he reaches into his pocket and holds it. I’m teary-eyed thinking about how my child’s object brings my father comfort, but damn, we’ve been looking for that.

I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.

FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.

“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”

-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other

funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings

Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.

Curious, how many years do you keep a mismatched sock before you can get rid of it? Is it like taxes? 7years?

Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.

And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.

Top 5 oxymorons:
1. Jumbo shrimp
2. Civil war
3. Virtual reality
4. Great outdoors
5. Family vacation

all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man

“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door

Men come and go, cities rise and fall, whole civilizations appear and disappear but the one thing that remains steadfast is my teens unfailing attitude