Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
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nothing says 2019 like when you group text your family from the bathroom to bring you toilet paper
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
“Kids! We’re having sundaes for dinner!”
-me, being the change I want to see in the world
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
I’m going to quit the strongman competition. I put in my too weak notice
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
new bit: referring to my husband as my “ex-boyfriend”
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
A skeleton in a black cloak appeared. “No!” Mary screamed. “Not yet! I’m still young!” She jumped in her coupe and, tires squealing, sped off down the road.
A soapy sponge dropped from the skeleton’s hand. The Grime Reaper sighed. “Nobody ever lets me wash their car.”
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
Do I love my coworkers? No.
But are they good at their job and make my life easier at work?
Also no…
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Let me sing you the song of my people at 3-4 am.
-my cat.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Me: “I think my computer has become self-aware.”
Ian: “What makes you say that?”
Me: “Well, for a start, it’s named itself Ian.”
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Just paid £200 for a train ticket. If the inspector doesn’t turn up, I’m going looking for him.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.