Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout

I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.

Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”

cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night

Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.

My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

[in the ambulance]
Paramedic: what’s your blood type?
Me: whatever. I’m not fussy

I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

Batman – utility belt.

Homer Simpson – futility belt.

When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”

Me:

i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.

[ninja warrior]

HOST: First up we have… Oh-

ME: [dislocates shoulder waving to camera]

How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.

After I ask a stranger if I can pet their dog and they say yes, I like to respond, “I’ll keep that in mind” and walk off

SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.

This tape doesn’t even taste like scotch.

my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire

Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.

Him: Baby are you mad?

Me:
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
No, why?

Man: dog is my best friend

Dog: man is aight I guess

Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.

Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?

God: just turn around

Almost every animal: ok

Owl: I absolutely will not

Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this

Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December

Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.

oh you think being a teen during a pandemic is hard? imagine being a teen and a mutant and a ninja and a turtle in a sewer

[deathbed]
Son….come closer
“Yes dad?”
We need a new man of the house
“I’d-”
*presses fake mustache into his hands*
Give this to your sister