Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.

My mom when I opened up a bag of candy in the backseat of the car.

inventor: “i’ve made the most realistic sex doll in the world, ask it something”
me: “ok, um.. shall we go upstairs?”
doll: “i like you as a friend”
me:
inventor:
me: “do you have anything less realistic”

My grandparents had a Radio and had 9 kids; My parents had a TV and had 3 kids; and I have Twitter and I think the family ends here.

You know you’re getting old when your decision to sleep with someone is mostly based on the quality of their mattress and pillows.

say cheese: the new iphone will have a built-in camera

My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills

me to God

First date idea: we take your cat to the dog park.

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?

3-year-old: Babies are jerks.

The wasps relocated from the grill to the patio umbrella. Someone needs to talk to them about their life choices but it’s not going to be me cause they can sting you over and over and My Girl you and then go on with their lives like nothing

my boss: here’s your raise

me: thanks

my landlord: he was talking to me

Some Olympians have been training since they were 5.

I’m hoping my 6yo comes home from summer camp today with 2 shoes on.

INTERVIEWER: it says here on your resume that you’re good at small talk?

ME: ʸᵉˢ

INTERVIEWER: holy shit

*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*

*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*

I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.

[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC

Dads are proud of horror movie characters never turning the lights on

I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice

*puts my hair in a ponytail

IG influencer: here’s why we don’t do that.

The man I married can land a fly on a trout’s snout.

The man I married says it’s not ON the snout, but AHEAD of the snout.

The man I married doesn’t allow imprecise compliments.

Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.

– two things I’ve learned the hard way

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.

The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.

M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.

Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.

M: Yes, yes it is.

the only moral choice in d&d is to play a druid and wildshape into a giant goat every day, travelling the towns with your rich goat milk like a medieval ice cream truck

The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating

China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.

[pet store]
Me: do you have any marmosets?
Clerk: no we don’t sell—
Me: okay, just one marmo then