“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
*slides note across counter*
Cashier (whispers): No problem.
[over intercom system]
“THIS MAN NEEDS CUSTOMER ASSISTANCE WITH TAMPONS”
When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.
You know she’s a keeper.
I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
said some terrible things about a coworker’s newborn when she called it a “week old baby” and I thought we were roasting it
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
My sixth grader told me this morning that when his homeroom teacher calls the roll, all of his classmates decided that instead of saying ‘Here!’ or ‘Present!’ they will say ‘Against my will’.
My kids are asking for another dog that I can feed and walk.
you’re either snacking with me or snacking against me
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
Spotted in New Orleans.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Don’t tell a lactose intolerant girl you’ll “rearrange her guts” you’re not doing anything to her a glass of milk can’t do
The head of my homeowners association told me I can’t burn any effigies over 15 feet tall in my yard, so I know exactly what my next 14′ 11″ effigy will be, hope you like it Todd