“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
I could murder a cheese sandwich. I’m not hungry. I just think I’d be capable of that.
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
Once a guy leaned into kiss me and I panicked and flicked him. Then he was like DID YOU JUST- DID YOU? FLICK? ME
And I laughed so hard I cried
So yeah! I’m great at dating
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
two guys fighting over oars are just having a row it took me 3 hours to write this crap send tweet
Why does my computer always ask me if I’m “sure” about stuff? Yes, I want to delete my hard drive.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
The toilet paper thief accidentally dropped the merchandise as he jumped over a fence.
He got away Scott free.
Going from summer clothes to winter clothes: Ok.
Going from winter clothes to summer clothes: I AM NOT READY.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
Please keep your dogs and your children quiet the morning of July 5th. I’ll be up all night setting off fireworks and will need to catch up on my rest.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Can’t blame Waldo for hiding. Imagine if some dude just starting writing books encouraging people to find you.
My mom on the phone: “Hi hon, how’s your libido?”
Vertigo. She meant my vertigo.
*watching our 7yo’s softball game*
Me: Where’s our kid?
Him: The one dancing
Me: Ah, yes
[police station]
Cop: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Suspect: *slams fist* YOU’RE THE COPYCAT KILLER!
Cop: *mumbling* am not.
[In a meeting]
Chad: You look tired this morning, Liz.
Liz: *glares*
Me: *whispers* nobody can help you now, Chad.
[high school reunion]
Amanda: wow, you haven’t changed a bit
me: [covered in acne and wearing faded Pokemon shirt]: yeah I know
My biology teacher asked what the function of carbohydrates were, but apparently “filling the deep well of sadness inside of me” was incorrect.
🤣
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
it is my belief that rhinos and hippos are husband and wife
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked