“Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.” – Me to my children.
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Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
The night before I started work at a global bird conservation charity, I had to google whether birds had teeth.
Me: look at this stupid thing lol
Person I want to like me: actually I studied that thing at sea for 3 decades and it’s like a father to me
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.
[Lab]
Chief scientist:What the hell are you wearing?!
Me (Dressed as Liberace): I thought you said we’d be mapping the genome in sequins
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
Mary had a little lamb
with pita and tzatziki
She said “this gyro is my jam
and I’m feeling kinda sneaky.”So she slipped out
and didn’t pay.
The guy said
“I’ll be damned.”
So he called the cops.
They’re on the way.
Now Mary’s on the lam!
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
why is the debate at night time. let’s get this thing started at 4pm. i don’t need to get riled up so close to bedtime.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage
Turns out there are very few midnight trains and “Anywhere” isn’t an option, you have to pick an actual destination.
Once I shot a man with a paintball gun, just to watch him dye.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Donating blood today to make room for more food
Twitter is great because you can tweet “hi” and someone will tell you you’re wrong.
Fact: The reason the giant A380 has an 2nd floor is because, if it didn’t, the people above would fall on the people below. Idiot.
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
HR: You can’t wear a bathrobe on Casual Friday.
Me: *Removes robe*
HR: PUT THAT BACK ON!
Me: Make up your mind.