Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.

I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.

Me: I’m proud of you for completing your project and I’m sorry for screaming like a feral raccoon.

10: Don’t worry girlie when I’m a mom I’m gonna do the same thing.

I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments

I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.

I really need a better nickname for her.

“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt

[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]

respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise

Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.

If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.

the metric system will never catch on here because too many Americans are into feet

Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting

You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

One minute you’re young and wild, the next you’ve got a hankerin’ to tell a complete stranger how you turned your leftovers into a delicious soup.

My rose versus your carnation.

FLORAL COMBAT!

*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

Peter Parker having to juggle a day job with being a superhero in 2023 feels stupid. Just launch a Patreon my man. Throw a PayPal link in that Spider-bio

[michael jackson if he became an ER nurse instead of a singer]
annie? are you okay?
you’ve been hit by *flips page on chart*
you’ve been struck by… *flips next page*
a toyota corolla

I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll

It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

Love how you can tuck a kid in normally and come back 20 minutes later and find their leg over their head, their foot in their mouth and their pajamas on the floor

Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.

Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.

“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes

‘why do people post shit online that never happened just for likes and attention’ my cat asked me