due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
You Might Also Like
The moment I said “iligalbility” I knew it was time to put the glass of wine down.
That and the fact that the bottle was empty.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: What kind of body do you want to have?
ME: *leans in close* I’d prefer human
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
me: do you take walk-ins
morgue: what
How do the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles have 6-pack abs? They can’t do sit-ups.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
In 2009, Stephen Hawking hosted an open party for everyone, but only publicized it after it was over; so only time-travelers would know to attend.
As he expected, no one came.
*Starts cutting the chicken of the person next to me at a dinner party out of habit*
As your goth coworker, I will change all “Out of order” signs to “Haunted” signs. Sorry, you can’t use that printer- it’s haunted.
Toddler: I want to go to bed with Thor & captain America
Me: me too kid, me too
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
“You’ve still got it girl”
I say as I thread the needle first try!
How to really enjoy the rain:
1. Stand at the window (inside)
2. Put non-tea drinking hand on hip
3. Sip tea from mug
4. Say “look at that rain” or “it’s really coming down now”
5. Ask someone else if it’s raining where they are
6. Say the garden needs it
7. Eat all the biscuits
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
my father: enjoying the marching band?
me: yes 🙂
my father: when you grow up will you be the savior of the broken, beaten, and damned and defeat your demons & nonbelievers? cuz one day i’ll leave you, a phantom to-
me: feels like youve got some of your own stuff going on here
I’ve realized the source of all my stress and anxiety. It’s anything that comes after someone saying “Mom!”
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
valentines day should involve piñatas so single people can vent and still get candy lmao
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault