Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey

never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

My son works part time at McDonald’s and did a shift today. I asked him, as it’s Easter, if they were serving Hoppy Meals and he told me that he hopes he’s adopted.

I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it’s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.

M: that’s
O: not
R: how
O: acronyms
N: work

Just found out my wife is pregnant.

Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus

[almost at the moon]

Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.

Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.

*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*

In a post-apocalyptic world, I’d be the one to shave my head and charge toward you with a machete while screaming. You’ll think, is that a man or a woman? It won’t matter. Small-chested and bald, this is my time to shine now.

Me, wide awake after staying up all night:
*Sings loudly*
*Dancing around*
*Way too chipper*
*Annoying my friends and family*

My neighbor: Good Morning!

Me: How dare you speak to me so early in the morning? Have you no respect?

I’m not afraid to run into an ex here. Her tweets would be all lame like ‘my dog is cute’ and mine would be all cool like ‘I love you Susan’

If I were the NY Times I’d make Wordle free to play but charge 99 cents to post your score on Twitter.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?

I didn’t really feel old until my doctor hit me with the “at your age…”

[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?

ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not

Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?

thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones

“jogging gives me endorphins”

so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.

Your time is priceless, here’s an hourly rate

Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.

me: you know what’s not cool?

13: *yelling from another room* YOU!

If you have teenagers, the perfect spot to hide your alcohol is wherever you keep your cleaning supplies.

there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.

I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary