due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
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How did you know I was a member of Al Qaida? Was it my knees? Do I have terrorist’s knees? Oh, the bomb. Not the knees then? That’s good.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
Prove you’re not a robot by typing two words that sounds like they were doodled on a toilet cubicle by a schizophrenic
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
cat 911: what ur emergency
my cat: my owner just closed the bathroom door
cat 911: have u tried screaming at the top of ur lungs
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
The doctor asked if I was sexual active.
I shook my head and said “Not in front of the wife”.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
The alarm clock has the best job in the world. It wakes up, sends everyone to work, and goes back to sleep.
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
HER: Did you see the lunar eclipse?
ME: I would miss Jesus Christ himself returning in a cloud of flames if it happened before 7 a.m.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
If Spider Man eats too much fruit he squirts Silly String.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Attention people with multiple people in your avi’s:
Draw an arrow pointing to yourself, OR replace it with a cat.
Thanks,
The rest of us
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.