Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
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I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
THE INVENTOR OF THE HUG: if you feel uncomfortable now, get ready to feel even more uncomfortable
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
Baby bump? That’s a McRib bump.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
u guys like coachella? u know who else was in a desert with people who didn’t shower? Moses. hi i’m your new youth pastor Keith
A news story said Taylor Swift’s relationship to Travis Kelce was fake.
~me explaining to my boss why I need a personal day
My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
i just foumd out that humpty dumpty is suposed to be an egg. nowhere in the humpty dumpty poem does it say that humpty dumpty is a egg
My seven year old just told me the average person sleeps 70% of their lives and I am just so impressed he can make up statistics above his grade level
1,000 years after civilization falls alien archeologists will discover a single cell from the animating of sponge bob and assume that’s what life was like. So we have that going for us
Can we just save all our energy and use it on something useful like arguing about something that will never change?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
An enterprising neighborhood kid started a business to fill in all those grownup coloring books for us. I feel more relaxed already.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!