Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
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ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
“LOOK, MA!!!!! NO DIGNITY!!!!”
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
getting my head stuck in the armhole of a mensa shirt
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
Every now and then someone comes into your life that just makes you wanna sweep the leg
I’ve been hearing noises in the house for a while now and while Twitter was down last night I discovered I have a wife!
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
Me: Absolutely broke.
Advertisers: She’s ready. Target her with the nicest shoes ever.
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
DEAR @NETFLIX,
REGARDING YOUR CANCELLATION OF THE PUNISHER, YOU ARE BLOWING IT!!
SINCERELY,
MARSHALL
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
“IF YOU EAT ANY MORE CANDY, YOU’RE GOING TO BARF!” my kids yell at me.
What to do when threatened by a bear:
1. Play dead.
2. No longer have to pretend.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
DEMON: How much longer are we going to let him do that?
SATAN: [rubbing the bridge of his nose] Just … just give him a minute
ME: [still pushing on the gates to Hell that are clearly labeled Pull]
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
When I bought a new carpet my dog become a shark
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
