Due to traffic, I didn’t show up on time for the start of my wife’s art opening and so for the rest of the evening she introduced me as her late husband.
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Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
My grandparents worked hard to make sure their kids had everything and I’m working hard and not having kids to make sure I keep everything.
A Christmas Carol is the heartwarming tale of how rich people must be supernaturally terrorized into sharing.
Oh, you’re Happy? Name the other 6 Dwarves
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
No selfies while hijacking a train.
Sauron: I made everyone cheese bagel bites
Middle Earth: Yay
Sauron: [makes his own bagel bite, but this time, with all the toppings]
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
My sister’s credit card information was stolen, so being a good sister, I called to see how she was doing and tell her what I purchased at Bloomingdales.
I love October because we finally turn the AC off, then turn the heat on at 5am, then turn the heat off by 7am, then open up the windows at 9am, then close the windows at 12pm, then turn the AC back on by 1pm, then turn the AC off again at 7pm, then turn the…
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high
Waitress: Breakfast is over
Me: Ah. Can I just get an egg sandwich tho? Can’t be too hard.
Waitress: We can’t do that but we can do eggs.
Me: Okay, eggs then.
Waitress: Bacon or sausage?
Me: …Bacon.
Waitress: Do you want toast?
Me: ….
I love going to Costco and pretending like I’ve never tried the food they’re sampling, like what’s an “Oreo”
I asked my husband if he ever thought about what his life would’ve been like had he married his previous girlfriend instead of me.
Then we laughed and laughed at the absolute impossibility of him answering that question correctly.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
[first Craigslist transaction]
Seller: so
Buyer: yeah
Seller: do…do I kill you ?
Buyer: (relieved) I’m not sure! I was worried I was supposed to kill you
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
until my aim improves I’m just a puncturist
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.