Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
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They should invent a Sunday that’s longer than a couple of minutes.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
[boxing match]
TRAINER: Give him the old ‘one-two’
CHAMP: I’m not too good at math
TRAINER: Ok…a left and a right
CHAMP: Or politics
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me
If Australia had a sense of humour they should have killed the power at midnight for like 10 minutes to freak everyone in the world out
Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
Festive toon…
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
Playing dead for the alarm clock doesn’t seem to be working
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
them: if you could, what three words would you tell your younger self?
me: marry a chiropractor
Please be aware that excessive smoke from your barbecue may cause your neighbour to throw snails into your garden every night for the next six months.
My husband texted me from Costco to let me know there was a long line & I think he was looking for me to say “don’t worry about it, just come home” but instead I said “don’t forget the ice.”
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
I’m sorry, but the $5.00 you gave me off my first order is not worth receiving emails every day for the next 200 years