Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

After the hipster got his girl pregnant, he wouldn’t shut up about how he was into her before she got big.

Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.

October already? What’s next? November????

The only cardio that releases pleasurable endorphins is sex. I know this because 35min on a treadmill & I just want to punch someone!

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate? Sorry my fault..

Why do New Yorkers constantly think New York is the only place that has things?

the male barbie should’ve been named barbo

I’m scared of Botox and plastic surgery so my plan for turning 40 is Snapchat filters.

Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters

It is a shame that nothing is built in America anymore. I just bought a TV that said: “Built in Antenna”.

I don’t even know where that is.

Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:

• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych ward

It’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.

*looks at selfie*
“Hmmm I need more flattering lighting”
*tries again inside an unlit abandoned coal mine*
“ahhh much better”

Interviewer: Any special skills?
Me: Eclairvoyance.
Him: I don’t understand.
Me: There’s a box of donuts in your desk
Him: YOU KNOW TOO MUCH

My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”

Rude much 😂😂😂

The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.

Crossover ideas

– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys

me[holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife:What does it say on the tag?
me:Gap
wife:The other tag
me:Oh
wife
me:Made in Vietnam

if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.

no one ever comes back

Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!

me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight

him: sure how about a movie

me: cool you pick

[halfway through Teen Wolf]

me: you tricked me

Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:

– Tweezers

What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.

One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.

You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.

The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.

If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.

I socially identify as the guy who tried to jump off of the sinking Titanic but ending up hitting a massive propeller on the way down.

I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.

She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.