Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
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How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
I keep a spray bottle in my purse just in case a flash mob breaks out near me
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
*shows up to marathon with perfect hair* Yeah I’ve been conditioning a lot for this race
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
12 was not amused when I made the comment of how good ‘we’ did on candy tonight
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
*makes sure kids are asleep*
*walks out to car*
*slowly unwraps candy bar*
*hears knock on window*
*puts head down*
*hands it to them*
As a copywriter, I’ve noticed more people are using ‘whilst’ instead of ‘while.’ WHILE you can use either, WHILST is formal so it always sounds pompous and full of shit. Would you say WHOMST? No you WOULDST NOT.
Overheard neighborhood story:
First person: my husband goes out and hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
Second person: MY husband goes out at hoots at the owl every night around 8 and it answers.
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
all these boys want a goth girlfriend but don’t study the moves of one gomez addams.
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
It’s not like I live in a broken down car on the side of a road. I’m not that rich.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
Me: When I had a successful allotment, I got a lot of unexpected attention from women.
Him: Grew peas?
Me: No, just female vegetable enthusiasts.
Uh oh 👀
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots