Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
You Might Also Like
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
a god among men
🛁
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.
Guy – “Hey are you famous?”
Me – “No.”
Guy – “Oh you look like this comedian.”
Me – “I don’t speak English.”
Guy – “Oh! Where are you from?”
Me – “The Ukraine.”
Guy – “My father is Ukrainian.”
Me – “Oh, then I’m from Spain.”
i could never be president. im overqualified.
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
What do you call a restaurant that sells only beans?
A gas station.
a reese’s peanut butter cup but the inside is toothpaste
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
customer service: so the vacuum works just fine but you want to return it cuz it’s… too loud?
me: [looks over at dog] that is correct
everybody freaking out about these UFOs as if it wasnt just that the aliens heard rihanna was performing this week
People who design casino/hotel carpets clearly have the best drugs on earth.
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
[First date]
“So, do you have any pets?”
Yeah, I have a pet crow. He’s white.
“You have an albino crow?”
He prefers the term cawcasian.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Dog people like dogs
Cat people like cats
Lizard people are lizards
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
i actually laughed 😩
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
A really cute girl started working out next to me at the gym so i switched to super heavy weights to impress her someone please call an ambulance
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.