Due to unfortunate circumstances things are no longer fergalicious nor bootylicious
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At my funeral I want the picture of me next to the coffin to have eyeholes cut out with someone behind it glaring at people coming in.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
Me: *seductively spreading peanut butter on my chest
Sir, you’re going to have to leave.
Me: *reluctantly gets off treadmill
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
2018 guy: girls wear so much makeup lol
1018 guy: I can’t even tell who i’m married to because everyone’s face is covered in dirt
I am woman. Watch me take one bite of cake then suddenly look pregnant with triplets ready to go into labor.
Me: I’ll be home a little late today.
Son: Why?
Me: Two of our coworkers are leaving the company, so we are all getting together to celebrate.
Son: Wow, you guys must have really hated them.
Them: There’s more to you than meets the eye, isn’t there?
Me: Absolutely not.
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
Tilda Swinton is the last person on Earth, having solely survived the apocalypse. A tumbleweed rolls by. She picks it up and eats it. ‘Delicious,’ she says, as she gets down on all fours then gallops into the night.
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
cat: psst it’s 5am time to feed me
me: no go away
cat: okay *proceeds to step directly on my bladder* oops my bad
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
me: what did you have for snack at preschool today?
4yo: well it was a munching thing and it looked like a square taco but it wasn’t a chocolate cookie
me:
if your best friend is whoever wishes you happy birthday first, mine is a dentist’s office i went to once 7 years ago
ME (watching Chopped): Don’t braise the cod in the camembert! You never serve fish with cheese!
ME (in my kitchen later, alone): Today, I plan to make a rehydrated ramen consommé using boiled water from the tap and the shrimp spices from this packet.
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
When I face a minor setback
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.
my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids
me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.
Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.