DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
A Vampire Bat is easy to spot due to its funny accent and little silk cape
They say a mind is a terrible thing to waste. You have nothing to worry about.
Do nudists have anxiety dreams where they show up to events clothed?
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
thinking about the time i moved into a new spot and there were bullet holes in the ceiling and the owner said the previous resident had seen a real big spider
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
You’d think the neighbors wouldn’t be so upset about the helpful notes I left for them regarding their god awful Christmas decorations.
The question is not “Why is Instagram not working?”, but “Why does the world need another picture of you?” #instagramnotworking
Video games don’t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do
Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”
NOW tell her you’re a magician.