DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
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Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
Music can transport us, like when I sang “Baby Shark” so loud at Applebees my date got me an Uber.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
Them: but, if you’re both men, who’s “the lady” in the relationship?
Me: Mariah Carey.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
I just had the best argument in my head and I cannot wait until someone pisses me off.
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
jigsaw: WHEN YOU MADE AN L FOR LOSER THAT WAS THE L I WAS TALKING ABOUT
me: i did an L so you could see it, which means that was my right hand. genius
jigsaw: YOU KNEW YOUR RIGHT HAND FROM YOUR LEFT ALL ALONG
me: i know my hands, not my feet
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
I didn’t know about mascara, I thought girls just cried ink like squids.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
H: Did you remember to pick up the seal so the tub will stop leaking?
M: *holding a baby seal* You should have been more specific.
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
describing a really tough guy to the police sketch artist bc im afraid to say a goose knocked me over and ran off with my car keys
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
Waiter: May I take your order?
Yes, roll over and play dead!
Waiter: It’s not that kind of order.
Oh. Sorry. I’ll have the cheese sticks.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.