Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No, Karen ….

Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.

Friend: *opening his front door* Oh, it’s you. But the dinner party is tomorrow

Me: It’s ok. I’ll wait

Me: How much should I spend on an engagement ring?
Jeweler: 3 months salary on the stone.
Me: *Duct tapes pile of Fruity Pebbles together.

[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?

Me: “I wish I was super hot…”

Menopause: “I got you, boo.”

It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.

my kid, hitting me with toy hammer: mom, I’m fixing you

me: *fires therapist*

I went to high school with these people on Facebook, so I’m confused on how they didn’t learn HOW TO SPELL.

Probably the best newspaper correction ever

#BritishSausageWeek

I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.

“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”

“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

Writing a horror book called “Chores you didn’t know existed and were supposed to be doing all along“

I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”

Personal trainer: And how much weight are you looking to lose?

Me: *googling weight limit for bouncy castles* Hold on…

ME: I’m off to turn some tricks

WIFE: Please just say ‘do magic’

*puts lips to microphone*

Microphone: I have a headache

*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*

Being a vegetarian is easy!

I’ll sleep when I’m dead. But also, 11 hours/night when I’m still alive.

Everyone is entitled to a couple conspiracy theories, but is safe to say Elvis is probably dead by now?

My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.

Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull

I find it most unfair that the dentist in this neighborhood hands out toothbrushes for Halloween but the pharmacist doesn’t hand out drugs.

*For those who believe everything they see on social media, kindly watch this.*(👆)

Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.

My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.

I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.

She threw it at her sister’s head.

Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class

Every time I see a couple riding a tandem bike, I try to figure out which one of them is pissed about it.

Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.