DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
You Might Also Like
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
the toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
Optional boss fight.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
why are we only commenting our code? we should be liking and subscribing too
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Cleaning up a murder scene shouldn’t count against you at trial. “It proves you were trying to get away with it.” No, it proves I didn’t want a pool of blood in my kitchen.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
Whoever figured out that you can make cake in a mug in under a minute was probably really going through some shit.
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Him: Mmm, tell me what you like, baby
Me: I like turtles
“1-1-9, what’s your non-emergency?”
Caller:
“Just kidding, you dialed it right. Thought you could use a laugh right about now.”