DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
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public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
*shrugs off responsibility*
weigh me now
new shirt idea
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Ghosts think they are so scary but I see right through them
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
She’s got style
She’s got grace
She dropped her cellphone on her face
She’s a lady
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
The best call ever would be “Hey, it’s me!”, but from your dog…
Because:
1. Aww your dog’s calling you
2. Holy shit your dog can talk!!
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
When jogging, if i get tired, I insult the people i pass in my head & then imagine having to get away as they chase me…
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
A song I wrote for the happy couple: “Julie, Letting You Go Was Without A Doubt the Biggest Mistake of My Life.”
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Sorry I made promises on Friday
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
growing up, nothing was ever more unsettling than when you were at a friend’s house and found out they had weird names for their grandparents. who the f*** is gum-gum
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
my dad has had enough
If Mitt Romney was president, we’d blame everything on him. “Damn why is it so cold outside? It wasn’t this cold when Obama was president.”
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.