DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
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If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Sometimes I drink water to surprise my liver
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
Good vacation so far, aside from the faceless man telling us “You will never leave this island.”
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
When Fred Willard got arrested for lewd behavior in an adult movie theater I was shocked. Where did he find an adult movie theater?
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
BANK ROBBER: There’ll be no trouble as long as everyone is cool
ME *remembering I’m me* oh no
be careful if you wear the same clothes everyday you’ll turn into a cartoon character
“What are you going to wear today?”
Sunscreen and the weight of everyone else’s expectations.
Waitress: Welcome to the Karma Cafe
Me: What do you sell here
Waitress: Just desserts
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on