Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?

DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.

Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?

“I don’t know, how would I know?”

GF: I’m pregnant!

“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”

If I ever move into a mansion, it means I definitely won the lottery, or I’m successfully blackmailing someone.

Just in case to be clear #gbbo

NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one

remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool

SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool

*during sex*

Him: come on baby, moan for me….

Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?

friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too

*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country

One of those leashes parents use for kids but it’s to make sure my friend doesn’t leave me alone at a party

Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound

*runs away*

Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed

When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.

Bag of flesh that acts weird when another bag of flesh doesn’t send symbols on glowing screen

I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.

Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨

[Thor Love and Thunder]

me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR

cinema guy: please stop doing this

(from the bottom of a well) is this the trap

i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset

Taking everything I read on social media with a grain of salt is why I’m so swole

I’m leaving this garbage website because it’s become such a cesspool and ruining all of our lives.

I’ll be back in 5 min.

taking melatonin is not enough I need blunt force trauma to the head

instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it

*on a first date*

Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal

Me: aw thanks

*turns to the waiter*

Me: do you have pony meat

me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]

my date: why my jacket

Fog is like lingerie for the sky.

Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too

Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.

“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw