“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
I keep my friends clothes and my enemies toaster.
As a result, they’re now all my enemies, but they’re naked & having cereal for brekkie.
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
This cat wants you to take your pills
my powerpoints are getting increasingly desperate as the semester goes on
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
[me as a knight]
Me: squire, young squire…do you have the time?
Squire: sir by the judge of the sun, it is 3pm
Me: wrong squire, it is (shutting visor) knight time
If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
“what’s your ideal vacation?”
dropping my family off at the airport and going back home alone for 7 days.
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Why does Jehovah need so many witnesses?
Sounds like a pretty shady dude to me.
Who else holds a fridge door open like you’re waiting for some answers?
Girls be like “I love you” and then instead of ghosting you and going fishing with the guys, they spend the rest of their lives with you. Be careful out there
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
If Dua Lipa married Ronnie Biggs, divorced him to marry George Melly then divorced him to marry Winnie the Pooh she’d be Dua Biggs Melly Pooh.
No, YOU’RE a child!
It’s not a gang sign, I just have rheumatoid arthritis
I should have stayed in kindergarten.
Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Sometimes I feel bad for yelling at my kids, but then I remember that some animals eat their kids and I don’t feel so bad anymore.
I have taken to screwing with scam texts. It is my only joy during a dark period.
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.