“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
Sorry I screamed in terror when you showed me that pic of your offspring. She’s a very lovely whatever the hell she is.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
The sentence, “The quick brown fox jumps over a lazy dog.” uses every letter of the alphabet and is also very judgmental about the dog.
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Lucifer: what if we make lots of bugs?
God: love it, it’s done!
[3 days later]
Lucifer: how was your trip to earth?
God: *covered in bug bites* i’m moving your office to the basement.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Which one are you?
1. You have a healthy relationship to social media
2. You have seen every video on the entire internet
Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?
Coldplay.
Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Roadside Assistance: how can i help you
Englishman: *remembers he’s in America* i have an apartment tire
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
Wife: WHY are the boys wearing fishnet stockings?
Me: You SAID they needed to learn how to Cher.
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
No one is more focused than a person sitting on the subway pretending they don’t see the hugely pregnant woman standing in front of them.
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
Finally!
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*
What’s so funny?
A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
What I heard:
Wanna see who can outstink each other, pick ticks, worry about serial killers and fight bears for the good pooping spots?What they said: Want to go camping?