@ElleOhHell

“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.

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@mikescollins

“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”

@UnFitz

Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Mom: Why?
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.

@Shade510

Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.

@Kim_pulsive

I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice

@Mr_Kapowski

Her: What do your tattoos mean?

Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”

@2tonbug

You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!

@Jagershot901

Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.

@sonictyrant

Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*

Spin Class Instructor: no

@stephenjmolloy

Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.

Me: What are you doing?

Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.

Me: I can see you in the mirror.