@ElleOhHell: "Dumb as a bag of hammers" is kind of a stupid comparison because it's actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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@Mom_Overboard: Went on a date a year ago with an atheist vegan libertarian anti-vaxxer conspiracy theorist who vapes and does CrossFit. I snuck out the bathroom window 45 minutes in, but rumor has it he's still telling me about himself.
@TheToddWilliams: [Origins…] BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the "Badman" equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc? ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
@KalvinMacleod: ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence WIFE: where did you read that? ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
@JordyHamrick: Ladies, the next time a guy has the courage to talk to you, remember he's not wearing makeup. Also, remember what you look like without it.