“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
What do you mean you don’t know what Care Bear would win in a fist fight? Get off me, this sex is over.
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Me: (to myself) what is wrong with you
Myself: (to me) oh like you don’t know
Why is no one talking about this?!
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
A dollar doesn’t go as far as it used to.
Dollar (out of breath): Screw you.
“So you’re a poet” says the waitress, gliding past. I vainly attempt to slow my reaction but knock over my beer trying to cover the words ‘glistening moose hips’
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
When I get a little tipsy I like to go to a random neighbourhood, knock on the door and say, “Sarah Connor?”.
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
I dunno but if I was a “doctor to the stars” I sure wouldn’t be bragging about it these days
honestly it’s up to you whether or not you refer to it as the Last Supper or the First Murder Mystery Dinner
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
If I had a time machine I would go back to certain conversations with my wife to see if she really said the things she’s told me I forgot…
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
“Salamanders are fire proof so if there was a fire in your house and everything you have was made out of Salamander skin you’d survive.”
* this “fact” from my 7yr old is untrue and also incredibly disturbing
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
[date]
HER: ok let’s both say our greatest fear at the same time, 3 2 1
HER: being alone
ME: a clown eating my hotdog
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
To those of you who received a book from me as a Christmas present: just to let you know that they are due back at the library tomorrow.