“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
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Me: Hi, mom. I’m feeling tremendous guilt.
Me: Just thought I’d save you the effort.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
computer, i’m sad. show me a headline to cheer me up
Her: What do your tattoos mean?
Me: They’re statement pieces. Statement being “I’m an idiot who shouldn’t be in charge of my own body”
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
Hot singles in your area want you to come over and load their dishwasher correctly.
Me:*carefully puts on my helmet and adds a bell and basket to my bike*
Spin Class Instructor: no
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.