Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
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murderer: i forgot all my murder weapons
me: i’ll wait
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
one thing you forget about star wars is how much of the original trilogy is just darth vader flying in some place to chew some guy out about construction delays
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Can you cross-breed tropical birds? I want to try, but I’ve got nothing toucan-parrot-too.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
but like if you somehow manage to launch yourself to the ISS they ought to let you in? right??
asking for a friend
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
sheep: “why do we all look the same?”
other sheep: “it freaks me out tbh”
another sheep: “i dont even know which one of us is me”
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
They’ll find Bigfoot before they find a Smoothie store that’s been open for more than 2 years.
Mum: get me a plate
Me: which plate?
Mum: any plate, doesn’t matter
*brings plate*
Mum: no not that one
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
Not today
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
so, is there a mister shapen head
My husband says I’m not heavy enough to make an impact when I stand on him to massage him so I now have the perfect excuse to eat all the cake
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.