Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.

Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*

I like how when we tell our kids that “this little piggy went to market” we pretend it was for apples and cheese.

[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]

Me: what is this

Climate: change

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.

I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!

Me, representing myself in court:

First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!

“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”

*Kanye slowly sits down*

People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.

Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts

Life is a suicide mission.

people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?

I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.

Therapist: Do u ever feel like hurting yourself
Me: No
T: What about other people
Me:……………………………………………..No

COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.

nervously i bag my groceries in plastic while a giant melting iceberg waits in line behind me

If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.

I’ll wait.

How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”

My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.

In other news, I just got a free case of beer.

What an awful time to have common sense.

I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.

I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars

Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”

[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunter

DAUGHTER: So I gather

If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.

My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.

Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social

Cat:

Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous

Cat:

*power goes out*

Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*

Cat: you were saying