Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Hi Mr. Holmes, I hear you’re the world’s greatest detective and I’m calling because there’s been a murder… I’m at the 79th annual Butlers Convention… Sherlock? Are you still there?”

Why is fruit so expensive?

I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.

Here lies a mother, her struggle was valiant but in the end the laundry pile was too big and she couldn’t claw her way out

I believe the plural is “milves.”

The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners

Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.

Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup

I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.

When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.

If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.

Guys: I’m educated about female issues.

Also guys: why is there a mail box in the girls bathroom stall?

Doubling capacity by allowing aircraft take off from both ends of the runway didn’t go well. You learn something new every day in this job!

When news reporters do sports stories

Every parent: do you know how to get there? You just make a left then right then through 3 lights then a left and it’s a mile ahead on the right

Me: *nods as I type the address into google maps*

What if UFO’s are just Jeff Bezos type guys from other galaxies?

[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.

Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”

Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”

Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”

[Batman’s parents return after 40 years]
Surprise!! Wait, wtf are you wearing?

When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.

My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks

How do I even know this guy is my “boss”. I’ve just been taking his word for it

pirate: walk the plank

me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol

pirate: *drops sword* dad?

flash mobs for serving divorce papers

I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing

feel like Nope sort of put the cgi animals question to bed forever lol. you really want a real life bear on set? for a scene where your lead actress is getting attacked by the bear?

I put my shirt on like everyone else. How I get my pants on, however, involves a spatula and 8 monkeys with Navy SEAL-like precision.

My dog burst through the screen door yesterday so I’m dressing her up as the Kool-Aid man for Halloween.

Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.

me: helo darkness my old friend

darkness, who just turned 30 and is totaly self-conscious about his age: cmon man im not old