Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’d like a progress bar over people’s heads so you can tell if they’re almost finished telling long stories or not.

This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font

Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for

Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.

It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too

Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember

Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night

This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday

This evening, I’m learning to play the drums

A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]

All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.

I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.

If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.

Customers love saying “I’ll have one of these” while pointing at a sign I can’t see.

About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.

(Ad for a baby)
• gently used
• can’t even kill you
• doesn’t shed
• poops on a learning curve
• goes from 0-60 in roughly 60 years

Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh

Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.

Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.

I somehow ended up with a set of 6 fake candles that work off a remote and the delight of the absolute power to light up the room from the couch was most unexpected.

Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?

Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-

[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER

I think Twitter is affecting my eyesight. I’m having difficulty seeing the laundry pile up

Saw a guy riding a unicycle today. Actually, he was riding a bicycle but I didn’t see him & I hit him with my car. Then boom! Unicycle.

Him: How close is the storm?

Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.

I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude

reverse psychology? that’ll never work

me: babe get your finger measured

her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?

me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see

At this month’s meeting of The Corporate Billionaires of America club, we will be discussing cutting-edge ideas such as, “should we be charging an extra fee to slice the pizza.”

man i love columbo

i have a really special relationship with my mechanic Wendell where i tell him about the different sounds my car makes and he says “you have to stop driving that car” and i say “come on Wendell!” and then i keep driving it

i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now