Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.

Before Batgirl can become Batwoman she has to have a Batmitzvah.

The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”

Guys, I’ve never watched Succession or Ted Lasso. It’s like I’m some uncontacted tribe in the middle of nowhere

Telling her you’re a magician is tricky business. First, tell her you’re a puppeteer. Watch her face drop then say, “just joking.”

NOW tell her you’re a magician.

Me: But the sign says ‘no shirt, no shoes, no service’

Clerk: Pants are implied

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

A decision was made here.

I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.

me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.

The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.

Secondary school me: my speech is abou….

My guys at the back:

All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

Nurse: *handing me a newborn* You got this?
Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ‘n’ cheese

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.

Today, I changed a light bulb, crossed the road, and walked into a bar.

My life is a joke.

5: *comes in room* hey old lady

Me: *looks around*

5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady

Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*

Me: Delete it!

Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.

My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

Instead of writing ‘many thanks’ at the end of an email, specify the number of thanks, eg “18 thanks”. The personal touch will be appreciated

congratulations to them

it’s hard to believe that this long, crazy election will finally be over in a few months

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”

My daughter is playing “you can’t find me, Mommy”… I’m playing “I’m not trying, Suckaaaa”.

Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”

Me: Yeah boyee

Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.

50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid