Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded

Employees must applaud the planets.

I once took a woman back to a hotel who was in town from Canada back when I was sweet. I kept taking her clothes off but she was wearing so many layers. After a good half hour of peeling, I finally reached the center only to find… nothing. Only the slightest scent of maple.

“did you ever get married?”
[wife looks around her old gym at high school reunion and sees me debating if I can touch the rim] no

I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. i should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich

jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna

peter: ok let’s get you home

Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.

Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.

One of my henchmen asked “ey boss what da heck does Hench mean” and I had to shoot him in front of the others. I looked up the etymology in my lair later and it was actually kinda interesting

I told my therapist that I’ve given CPR to 3 different people in 3 separate incidents at a particular grocery store and she advised me to stop going there.
That’s good shit right there

Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?

My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.

To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.

judge: what do you have to say for yourself

scooby-doo villain: i was legally startling trespassers on my own private property and was wrongfully arrested and imprisoned by a group of high teenagers

judge: oh damn

I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.

I started calling all three of my children by their last name. You’d think that would increase my chances of one of them acknowledging me, but you’d be wrong.

When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.

Neil DeGrasse Tyson watching an Indian action movie: *becomes so filled with rage he explodes*

Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

Me as a cop: can you describe him?
Witness: well, about 6 feet—
Me: *under breath* holy shit, murder bug

if a pea-brain is someone with a small brain, then a peacock is someone with a …? no?

you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool

Raccoons wearing tiny little glasses, digging through trash and carefully reading nutritional information of any food items they find.

I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.

You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.

Me: I’ll take one insurance

Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that

Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please

Where’s my employee discount too?

A tenable situation implies the existence of an elevenable situation