Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I can see clearly now the rain has gone; I can *backs into mailbox* see all obstacles in my way *runs over squirrel* omg I love this song

One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.

The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.

“You know I love that thick bottom” – me, telling my coworker about the new frying pan I got over the weekend

Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water

This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.

What we should have feared all along is all the stupid people banding together.

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

I’m the only woman at this baby shower who doesn’t have a baby. They better ooh and aah over my bassinet of deviled eggs.

Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils

Batman: oh no

*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*

It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.

Oh my god checked my email and it turns out I’m being rewarded with the opportunity to take advantage of an offer. Today is my day.

Twitter is fun because you get to be like, “Ducks are good” and someone in your mentions will go, “Um, I’m sorry but my brother is married to a duck scientist and this is a harmful view” and then someone else pops up going, “Your silence about horses is extremely telling”

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

[at a store]

Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?

*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*

Clerk: Well, they’re polarized

Harry Potter is realistic because it normally takes a kid 10 years to tell a story.

Someone: describe your sex life in two words.

Me: my what?

When I become a ghost, Im going to leave messages in blood, but theyre gonna be overwhelmingly positive, like “You’re Doing A Great Job”

Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.

Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.

Things will get butter, keep churning

Me: So, what do you do for a living?

Her: I flip houses.

Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.

Her: You’re an idiot.

After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.

I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.

Our family motto is “Who took my phone charger?”

It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.

My wife told me the one thing she really wants for Christmas and I have to say I hope she gets it because I’d really like to meet Jason Momoa.

i’m laughing very hard in real life